Food for Thought

This weekend has been eventful. Friday was so busy at work, there was no time to think. Saturday was recuperation day - also had to take back some duds that didn't fit. I picked up files in the afternoon (twenty-one of 'em). This is impossible.

It's Sunday evening now and I still haven't started them. Ugh, it's like I have NO life. I'm a machine - a funding machine that eats occasionally and takes naps in between the check-in and funding of files. I'm seriously thinking of making a major change in career. I need to start working smart, and not just hard. Honestly, I'm not even sure that's a possibility at a corporate job. I want to believe that, though. I want to be a part of the team - but PEOPLE, I want a life, too. Can't we make money and still have time to make our own dinner?

I'm so tired of eating out. Even the “expensive” food all starts to taste the same. Sometimes, I just want to make a silly pot of Hamburger Helper or stuffed green peppers. Am I really spending my time wisely - working every night until Midnight?! It seems like a vicious cycle. I work so hard to make money - to feel like I'm a part of a company that does some amount of good. The reality is: if you divide the money I make by the hours I put in and subtract all the take-out I have to order / eat to get the “job” done. Well, I'm not really making that much money, and I'm not feeling very “helped” by the wonderful company I work for.

I swear it's a dichotomy I can't fiigure out. Am I a sucker to believe that I can make a difference in the way things are done in a corporation? I WANT to love my job. I WANT to help people, and not lose myself in that work. Am I asking for too much? I feel like a puppet some days - and a warrior on others… FREAK on a LEASH! Or, at least that's how I feel tonight.

My store-bought stroganoff was comforting this evening. Now I'll go work 'til I'm too tired to think. Tomorrow, my supervisor will give me his company credit card to buy sushi for dinner since I “won't be able to leave until all the work is done so that someone else can make hella wads of commission and I make much, much, much less.” I'll probably pick the toro sashimi because it's the most expensive fish in the ocean (and I'll feel like a sell-out because my time is worth more than 25-45 dollars an hour and food). Ugh, the silly predicaments we get ourselves into.

How did I get here, anyway? If you got this far, I truly thank you for listening to / reading my ramblings. It's cathartic for me to get this shit out of my head, even if nothing comes of it. I'll know I at least thought about it - and I need to think about it some more.

How is YOUR job? Do YOU ever feel the pull of both directions? Do you ask yourself: “Should I stay or should I go?” Darling, you gotta let me know. “Should I venture out on my own? I know I can do this better!”

I swear, even after all that, I'm thankful to have the ability to even ask these questions of myself. The fact that I have the right to share all of these feelings and thoughts with the world is something I cherish and respect.

We must always question ourselves and our motives. Are you happy with how you spend your time? I want to be happy with how I divide mine and where and with whom I spend it. A good attitude is imperative - yet anger and questioning are a part of reality we must learn how to harness. Now, the next question is: where to start? And How? That's two questions. Oops. Sue me.

We shall see soon… very soon. :)